relationships are HARD…AND can also be an opportunity to heal our deepest wounds
the wisdom of trauma
Updated science tells us that trauma is ANYTHING that happened too much, too fast too soon, and caused overwhelm to the body, mind, spirit, and nervous system.
This doesn’t have to be as overt as abuse or neglect, unmet emotional needs in early life ALSO create wounds and stay frozen in time aka our inner child.
Another thing we know through new research is that trauma is NOT necessarily in the event, but in how our body ADAPTS in response to what happened.
This means that the symptoms that are often viewed as the problem to be gotten rid of are actually a WISE and APPROPRIATE PROTECTIVE MECHANISM to something(s) that should’ve never happened or to something that was missing that should’ve been there in the first place.
behind every frustration there is an unmet need
Intimate relationships can be a sacred portal into healing these past emotional wounds of our younger self aka the inner child.
Even seemingly small frustrations in relationships often reveal deeper unmet needs. Whether it’s your partner leaving socks out or not listening, these irritations are often clues to what you may desire but feel you’re not receiving. By identifying these frustrations and their underlying meanings, you can uncover your true desires—what you most needed in childhood but perhaps didn’t get, and now unconsciously seek in your current relationship like: to be seen, to be heard, to feel safe, to belong, to feel worthy, to be validated, or to be accepted unconditionally.
Make a list of all the things you are missing and wanting in your relationship, does it FEEL familiar?
start with yourself
Instead of pointing the finger of blame on our partner or expecting them to parent our inner child, getting curious about what is it about their behavior that makes us so frustrated can be very helpful.
The way we react to these frustrations is linked to early experiences, as they are stored in the form of IMPLICIT MEMORY ( nervous system and unconscious mind located in the subcordical parts of the brain ) which doesn’t distinguish between past and present. Your body is STILL TRYING TO PROTECT YOU from the past in the present.
Make the unconscious conscious and get compassionatly curious about what frustrates you. Does it FEEL familiar from childhood? What story do you tell yourself when your partner behaves this way? What do you notice in your body? What might you need in this moment to NOT feel this way and can you give it to yourself?
the sacred pause
Give yourself the gift of time when you are triggered. Repair in relationship can only happen when both people are regulated and centered in their BODY in the PRESENT.
Take a sacred pause. Feel the ground under your feet, place a hand on your heart, get space and go for a walk, or do whatever supports you in feeling safer in the present moment.
If you feel resourced enough allow yourself to notice what’s arising. What is the emotion? Is it ok to FEEL it? IS there tension? How’s your breath? Get curious about this part of you, how’s it protecing you and If it had a voice what would it say? What might it NEED? Does it want to express? Follow your body’s impulse and if it feels OK let it happen (crying, shaking, movenet, laughing etc.).
And as you allow your body to naturally REGULATE you will come back to your CENTER, to your body in the present, and to remembering what is important to you and that your partner is NOT your enemy.
see the child in your partner
Understanding how our unmet emotional needs from the past still impact our present can allow both you and your partner to see that you’re both just trying to heal old wounds through each other.
This knowing can move us out of the cycle of blame and shame and into a more compassionate perspective of being TEAMMATES not enemies, supporting each other, working on challenges and healing TOGETHER.
Communicating emotions, needs, and boundaries
Learning to communicate in a non-violent way using “I” statements can create a SAFER non-shaming, compassionate space that encourages both partners to have their needs met AND to cultivate deeper intimacy.
Learning to speak the language of our body, befirenidng our emotions and nervous sytem, can be helpful in discovering our inner child’s unmet needs and to be able to TEND to ourselves – our partner is NOT our parent, it’s not their role to regulate us or fufill all our needs, we can make requests but it’s up to them if they say YES or NO, boundaries go both ways.
By setting boundaries we protect our own inner peace, AND the relationship because we express authentically and don’t get filled with resentments and emotions that will spill out eventualy anyway,
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