relationships are HARD…AND can also be an opportunity to heal our deepest wounds
Intimate relationships can be a sacred portal into healing these past emotional wounds of our younger self aka the inner child.
Intimate relationships can be a sacred portal into healing these past emotional wounds of our younger self aka the inner child.
Be sexy but don’t be a slut. Lose weight, but be curvy. Be vulnerable, but don’t show emotion. Be confident, but don’t be a bitch. Be authentic, but don’t show too much. Be ready to please, but don’t give your power away. Be smart, but not too smart. Be natural, but shave your body hair. Be strong, but stay soft. Be bold, but stay silent. Be original, but don’t be too much. Be tame, but also a freak. To be a lady they said… Impossible. Here’s some thoughts about how we can come into a life of wholeness + authenticity as women👇 When we embrace our shadow and befriend our body, we start to unravel the conditioning + break free from all these societal “norms” and “shoulds” of the “role” of a woman. These layers of programming keep us stuck and disconnected from what’s raw, real, and authentically ours – the intelligence of our animal body + the intuition of our heart, in other words the wisdom of our authentic embodied Self. These rules and impossible expectations create inner pressure, cycles of self-doubt, protective fragmentation, nervous system dysregulation and dis-ease. It’s no wonder that 80% of people with autoimmune are women, or that we are twice as likely to develop PTSD. Somatic shadow work invites us to get compassionately curious and courageously vulnerable, feeling into what we’ve been taught to ignore- our inner voice and the felt sense of our wise animal body. This is where embodied transformation begins. It’s a journey of being guided by sacred rage, confronting our hidden fears, and allowing ourselves to grieve unmet needs and wounds. This makes space for contacting our deepest desires, the wisdom of our body, and bringing home those orphaned parts of Self we may have once hidden to belong, be loved, to stay safe and connected. It’s in our human animal nature to share, care, and belong to our herd, and at the same time, fitting in to a toxic tight little distorted BOX is not the same thing as truly belonging to an embracing community, just for being you. You belong here just as you are. You belong for being YOU. There’s nothing you have to do, to prove your worth. It’s ok to disappoint others sometimes, so you can tend and befriend your SELF. When we begin to untangle these emotional wounds and unravel the societal shoulds, we step into a life of wholeness, liberation, authenticity, and deep self intimacy + enoughness. We begin to accept ourselves fully, just as we are without the need to be externally validated – that’s freedom🩷 What parts of you are wanting to be witnessed? What might you need to feel safe enough to express + give them voice? check out this video that always brings me to tears on YouTube shine light on your shadow, start your somatic coaching journey explore all my offerings
what the heck does somatic mean anyway? The word somatic comes from the Greek word soma meaning the body. The term “somatics” was first coined by Thomas Hannah in the 1970’s, however long before this kind of mind-body work cam about in the “west”, ancient and indigenous lineages have long known about it and it’s importance. So I would like to just pause here for a moment and recognize that somatics are heavily influence by eastern, indigenous, and shamanic cultures but often over looked, culturally-appropriated and not given their proper credit. So from a social justice, anti-racist, and trauma-informed point of view you could say that the term somatics is the product of white washing and colonization. The idea of the embodiment is nothing new. Our ancestors have been dancing, singing, connecting, growing, and healing through different mind-body-spirit rituals since we were expressing ourselves through drawings in caves. It all changed around the time Decartes said “I think therefor I am”, and the mind and brain sat up on a pedestal. We started to disregard the body as a tool or machine, and the spirit was thrown away along with it. Welcome to the era of disembodiment. Today there isn’t just one but many different somatic frameworks, lineages, and modalities, and even though they are different they all agree in the importance of including the body in our life and connecting to all of it’s inherent wisdom, intuition, and instinct. In general, somatics is the study and practice of the mind and body working together to enhance the human experience though inner dialogue with the emergent wisdom and implicit cellular memory, meaning unconscious body memories. It’s a process of self discovery, self awareness, and cultivating the sense of interception, in other words learning to speak the language of the body from the inside out. zooming out From a holistic perspective, our soma includes not just our animal body, but also our mind, and perhaps even the spirit. So the soma isn’t just the biological body, it is the whole, complex, living organism. This includes the conscious and unconscious mind and all of its thoughts, beliefs, internal narratives, imagery, and symbols, as well as the body’s sensations, feelings, emotions, and nervous system states. The thing is, our soma doesn’t live in a vacuum. We are biopsychosocial beings, meaning besides the biology and psychology, there is also the in between relational world. And so all of these things and our life experiences literally “shape” us, the shape of our body, our actions and non actions, our relationship to our Self, to other people, to the world around us. And so this somatic shape of ours also holds our learned behaviours, automatic embodied habits, relational strategies, societal “norms”, masks, survival roles, protective parts, younger child parts, and many different adaptive patterns living and running our life from the shadows. If we were to zoom out a bit more we might recognise that besides the obvious impact of family dynamics and other close relationships on our soma, there are also the cultural and collective layers. So depending on where we are born we may inherit certain beliefs, norms and traditions. If we zoom out even more we might recognize how somatics also invite us to look at the impact of systems and institutions that operate in our westernized dominant culture. And depending on what you look life, your ability, your skin color, your income, your gender, your sexual orientation, you will have less privilege and be set up to suffer more injustice and oppression. And if again we zoom even further out we are invited to look at the collective, environmental and perhaps even spiritual landscapes. Here we might see that our soma is also shaped by our ancestors, all their lived experiences, and the history of the culture we were raised in (intergenerational trauma and resilience). We could also see that our relationship to the planet, nature, the animals and plants also reflects in how we are shaped. After all we are made from the same stuff as all other living beings on this planet, and yet many of us forget and treat nature as something to conquer and dominate. And if this is in your belief, our soma to many people is also tied into the energetic, ethereal and spiritual realms, but that’s a whole other long topic. set up your free discovery call! inviting the body into coaching Most coaching out there centres around mindset, beliefs and story but understanding something alone often isn’t enough to create embodied transformation. Somatic approaches are gaining popularity over the last 15 years because they can bring about positive transformation more quickly – via the nervous system. A whopping 80% of the information that travels to the brain comes from the body via the vagus nerve and only 20% of the information travels from the brain to the body. Much of the western world has become disembodied, putting the mind on a pedestal, but when were disconnected from our body, we lose out on important information , which is sent from the body to our conscious mind. Neuroscience studies have shown that the brain and body are interwoven – we cannot change one without the other. Ancient and indigenous traditions have always understood the importance of inner work, the transformational potential of repetitive movement on the body and the impact it has on the mind. The good news is through neroplasticity we can reprogram the brain, rewire the nervous system and reshape the body, not only during the activity but in all areas of our life. This is embodied transformation, When we are using our felt sense, parts of the brain responsible for emotional processing, self-awareness, and interception (inner felt sense) come online, which means we tap into the possibility of embodied transformation of neurophysiological, emotional, and postural patterns. When we work only cognitively (with story, mindset, beliefs and other content) this isn’t possible. my approach to somatic coaching My personal approach to Somatic Coaching is trauma-informed and integrative, which means I do not…
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The body-mind connection is powerful and it’s actually the link between your thoughts and your feelings and emotions, shaping how you think, feel, emote, sense and act. It’s like a constant exchange of info between your mind and body- not that they are separate anyway =) I’m sure you’ve noticed that physical state often if not always affects your thoughts, and your thoughts can impact how you feel. For instance, changing your posture from a contracted position to a more open and expansive one can actually boost your confidence and shift your mindset. It’s a two-way street. “if you don’t know how to say no, your body will say it for you through physical illnesses.” Understanding how our thoughts and emotions affect our body is crucial. More and more, people recognize that our mental well-being can deeply influence our physical health. Experts like Dr. Gabor Maté support this idea, shedding light on the vital mind-body connection. how they communicate Your mind and body talk to each other in two ways: the body sends messages to the brain, and the brain sends messages to the body. This chatting involves chemicals like hormones and neurotransmitters, and it also happens through the Vagus Nerve. About 80% of the messages going up to your brain come from the body! emotions adjust not only our mental, but also our bodily states. this image is from a 2013 study that focused on where people experience different emotions in the body. This research constituted the first “map” that illustrated how our emotions and our body are linked through sensations. You can learn more in the video below. body-mind integration “The goal of mind-body techniques is to regulate the stress response system so that balance and equilibrium can be maintained and sustained, to restore prefrontal cortex activity, to decrease amygdala activity, and to restore the normal activity of the HPA axis and locus ceruleus-sympathetic nervous system” (Selhub, 2007, p. 5) In other words, integrating the body + mind makes us more present, regulated, feeling safe and whole. Sensitivity as a superpower 🦸♀️ Most of us are living in this disembodied capitalist culture that actually rewards us for being disconnected from our body and from our feelings deeming it as “strong” and “keeping it together” , because this numbing and suppressing is what allows us to be more “productive”. But it takes true strength and courage to show up as your most authentic and vulnerable Self, showing that soft under belly as opposed to all the masks and armour we may wear. And it makes sense that our genius body-mind may adapted this way to self-protect if we’ve been hurt in the past, but the truth is not feeing and expressing our true feelings doesnt mean that they go away – they live on inside of us and keep on building up like a pressure cooker, impacting our whole system and down the line can actually contribute to increased stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil to name a few. Embracing our emotions and feelings is an act of self-love and it’s exactly what these exiled vulnerable parts of us may actually need – to be seen, heard, acknowledged and validated – and until this happens, this unconscious shadow aspect of our ✨Self✨ will continue pulling our strings behind the curtains. ✨it’s important to know that if we’ve disconnected from feeling, there’s a good reason behind it and most often it’s to stay safe. A trauma-informed approach to this reconnection is to go SLOW and be gentle, because we’re not going for overwhelm here ♥️✨ overwhelm in our nervous system is how trauma happens. So it’s not about jumping head on, “sucking it up”, getting rid of, or quickly fixing these vulnerable parts of us but becoming WHOLE – or realising that you always have been whole in the first place- by coming home to your Self and gently shining our light of awareness on them, feeling into what it is they are actually communicating and need in this moment- that is integration. This is why working with the wisdom of the soma (body-mind) and ✨all our inner parts✨ is important, it’s a sacred portal into deeper insight, wellbeing, and embodied transformation ♥️ So the next time you notice you are feeling all the feels perhaps ask yourself: what are these feelings telling me? Does this emotion feel familiar? What does this part if me need in this moment? And maybe all it needs is a little sacred pause to just be with it, as it is, however it is ♥️ and if it feels authentic, maybe take a moment to celebrate yourSelf for feeling safe enough to notice and express this feeling in the first place! That’s big stuff <3 ancient wisdom meets modern science Science is just catching up to these ancient truths, that the body-mind connection is important on many levels, not only in physical and mental health but also the spiritual. Here’s some ways you can integrate and strengthen this connection: Embodiment practices Somatic coaching mindful yoga Shadow work Somatic parts work Embodied mindfulness Trauma sensitive yoga (TCTSY) intuitive movement sensual dance qui gong yoga nidra learning about your nervous system states spending time in nature creative expression “only you know what’s best for you” If you’re feeling called to start exploring the wisdom of your soma (body-mind) with my guidance and support, contact me HERE to learn about my 1:1 trauma-informed somatic coaching container for women or HERE to get your free consultation about TCTSY, the world’s only scientifically validated trauma healing model of yoga.
Often times feelings of shame and trauma can be intertwined so it would make sense that if we feel shame, we might want to get rid of it, perceiving it as something “bad”. But does this vilifying and shaming actually get rid of shame? We live in a culture that is obsessed with self-improvement and productivity which can often promote this ill treatment of parts of ourselves. When we are constantly being bombarded with “5 ways to get healthy” or “ do this to optimise your wellbeing”, it could be hard to not feel like you’re doing something wrong. As a person with complex trauma who grew up with parents who had their own unresolved wounds and trauma, I’ve always had a way of being that was really harsh on myself. But as I move forward on this 17th year of my healing journey, I’m able to be more and more compassionate, kind and curious to myself and yes, even to all those pesky parts of me which I always hated. From my own experience and from folks I’ve worked with I found that it is quite common to want to get rid of these shameful parts in hopes that it will bring some sort of resolution, perhaps resulting in more self-love, trauma resolution or healing and/or transforming deeply ingrained patterns, behaviors, strategies or conditioned tendencies. Then there’s those of us who might rather just pretend we don’t have any shame, detaching from our body so we don’t have to feel any of it. Either way, this kind of approach usually just continues the spiral of inner chaos and shaming the shame like a dog chasing it’s own tail. If we look at this from a somatic trauma-informed lense, what could sometimes happen is that trauma freezes these wounded parts of us in the past. And these frozen often times younger parts of us hold on to beliefs ( I am broken, It is always my fault) and emotions ( shame, fear, grief, unworthiness). It is quite normal that we don’t want to feel this pain of the past, so our soma ( nervous system and body-mind as a living organism) does it’s job of self-protection and works hard to keep all those parts hidden or exiled. This is where we might avoid by distracting ourselves with work or other “busyness”, ignore, numb out and detach from feeling our body, or shame ourselves – cue the inner critic or perfectionist part- which has become quite a prevalent way of being in our modern industrialised “western” world. We may think that by exiling these parts we will finally not have to feel any pain, discomfort, or distress by avoiding overwhelming emotions, bodily sensations, memories or beliefs. But the truth is this won’t make it all go away, it all just gets suppressed and thrown into a pressure cooker inside us just waiting to explode like a two year old having a temper tantrum. Healing and transformation only come once we start to acknowledge, accept, validate and love all those parts that we keep locked away in the basement. This is integration and the process of whole-ing! It’s kind of like having a little puppy, it may try to get your attention by chewing on your shoe or barking at you a million times until you notice them and play with them. These younger parts that live inside us are just like that puppy, just waiting to be seen, heard, and witnessed. Thanks to studies on conscious and love-centred parenting and we now know that scolding and other fear-based coercive punishing of children (and puppies) only increases levels of fear and anxiety, so why would we want to repeat the same thing to ourselves? In my own personal somatic parts practice as well as while working with clients, I have adopted the belief that “there are no bad parts” and that they all have wisdom. Which comes from a humanist perspective as well ad the Internal Family Systems framework conceptualised by Dr. Richard Swartz. Through somatic awareness, sensing and feeling, and embodiment insight and integration we can learn to listen to and separate all these parts of ourselves from our Highest Self or Self energy, and this concept actually which actually originates from ancient and indigenous traditions like Buddhism and Yoga. It can be counterintuitive to view these exiled parts that are perhaps “lazy”, “unhealthy”, or even “self-destructive” ( like the shamed parts, the critical part, the addictive part, the people pleaser part) as wise, but have you ever considered that they may have been helpful, or maybe even saved your life, at some point? It makes sense that we may hate them if they have caused us suffering and destruction, but often times they came into being to help us survive a difficult expereience(s) and have good intentions. When our basic human needs of safety, belonging and dignity aren’t being met, our genius nervous system figures out ways to adapt so we can get those needs met! I used to really hate my inner critic. I viewed it as my mothers voice, that was mean, aggressive, constantly pushing me harder and judging me. I can see now that originally this critical part was meant for good, as a first generation Polish-American immigrant I wanted to make my parents proud. I thought that if I only worked hard enough, got the best grades and became totally perfect, finally my parents and everyone around me would accept me and I wouldn’t feel so alone. We moved around a lot and I went through 3 schools in the first five years of elementary school. My parents were constantly at work trying to make sure I had a better future, and I was left feeling all alone and like I didn’t belong anywhere. Of course this inner critic part came into existence, it wanted to help feel belonging, worthy and safe! Over time this critical part started to make me more and more anxious,…
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